just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
