I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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