I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My cat gives me a boner
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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