I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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