i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
