oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
