I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
