everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
