Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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