Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he fucked my hip out of place.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize