I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
