Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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