i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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