Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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