I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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