Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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