I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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