I accidentally had phone sex last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
