I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
