You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
