I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize