I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
