it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
