4 words: hood of his car
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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