Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
