I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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