the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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