I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
