I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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