took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
