If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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