i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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