she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize