saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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