i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
