I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize