you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
