There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
