I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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