Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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