oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
