so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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