Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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