Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
