i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
