They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I believe in your delicious
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
