yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
