In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Omg I joined a choir last night...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
