I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
