I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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