i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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