Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
