Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
