I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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