I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
