i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
