I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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