Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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