I'm so fucking centered right now
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
