sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
