Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
