tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
