i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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