there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
