Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
