This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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