you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
