So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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