I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
