textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
