i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And then my night got REAL pukey
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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