Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
